When Reward Systems Work – And When They Don’t!
May 01, 2023
Here’s a story my fellow NYCers can relate to:
I awoke to my 5-year-old shrieking in the bathroom. Why? There was one of those horrifying water bugs standing between him (where he had just finished using the toilet) and the bathroom door. He was trapped!
Well, from that night on, he required our assistance if he awoke in the night, which meant grouchy parents in the morning. Even after reassurance, glue traps, and an exterminator visit, my son was still insecure about putting himself back to sleep if he awoke in the night.
I realized I needed to reset this pattern of night waking and rebuild his self-assurance. I created a chart so he could visually track each night he did not wake us. After 7 nights he chose from a few “rewards”: ice cream date with me, toy car from the drug store, or special bike ride with Dad.
Here are some things to note about how we used this reward chart:
- It helped reset a pattern.
- We acknowledged his ability to confidently put himself back to sleep.
- We came up with the rewards together.
- We explained how we could offer those rewards because we had more energy after getting good sleep.
Unfortunately, rewards systems are a short-term fix. They rely on external motivation rather than the child’s natural intrinsic motivation. Babies and children naturally explore and are curious learners of the world around them. If we encourage them to act or do for external rewards, they lose that inner drive and begin to focus on the “sticker” or the “treat” or the “new toy.”
If we want to instill life-long values and self-reliance, we can’t always rely on the quick fix of a rewards chart.
Here are 5 simple ways with examples to support your child’s inner motivation:
1. Rather than saying “good job” make note of the effort or details of the process.
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“You spent a lot of time on that drawing. Tell me about it.”
2. Be vocal about your family values.
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I recently encouraged my son to do an extra math problem and said, “In our family we try to do it even if it’s optional.”
3. Offer opportunities for self-reflection with non-judgmental observations.
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“I notice you left the puzzle unfinished. What happened?”
4. Set them up for success.
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Provide developmentally appropriate activities and toys and let them know you are there to help them.
5. Include them in your family discussions.
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Let them offer suggestions to problems where they feel valued.
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